The Danger of Hungry Vulnerability

randiguntherphd
4 days ago
5 min read

Updated: 19 hours ago

How we can awake from emotional hibernation.

Many people, disappointed and disillusioned from a lost relationship, choose to opt out of connections for a period of time. Rather than reaching out for help, they pull in and disconnect from life, choosing isolation rather than any connection.

For most, a hibernation reaction like that only lasts for a short time before the wounded person reaches out for support from their social network, re-devotes themselves to other interests, or perhaps begins or enhances a therapeutic commitment to process and renew.

For others, sadly, it is the start of a much longer time of closed-down private grieving, self-doubt, injured self-esteem, and isolation. They may be depressed and broken, unable to believe their romantic interactions will ever be any different, and unable to trust anyone to help them. Cynical and defeated, they stay too long and bury their sorrow in a repeated pattern that may continue to create more loss in the future.

Eventually, they will reemerge, wary but starving for a new love relationship. In a state of self-inflicted deprivation, they are dangerously vulnerable to not only being hurt again, but more likely to retreating again if that happens. Each subsequent investment, loss, and retreat, will make it more difficult for any more successful pattern to take hold.

The intensity and span of the pendulum swings between isolation/retreat and hungry/vulnerability are counterproductive to creating the equilibrium necessary for successful discrimination and good choices of partners. The farther the distance between the two, the more likely a person will fail the next time.

If you are an emotional hibernator when you face loss, how can you stop yourself from choosing the wrong person when you finally reemerge hungry and vulnerable to exploitation? What steps can you take to insure you will take better care of yourself when the time comes to try again?

These seven steps could make the difference.

1. Make your hibernation time healthy

Instead of going inward to lick wounds or recover from loss, do something different, even if this has been your go-to in the past. Get out in nature. Move your body, preferably to music. Reach out to spend time with good friends who “get” you. Stay off sugar and alcohol. You can still spend good time alone watching shows you love on television, crying when you need to, or sleeping more if you can, but don’t just pull in and use only your own mirror to obsess over your loss.

2. Make sure your patterns are not caused by clinical depression

Many people are untreated for mood disorders that are likely to be triggered by the anguish of a failed relationship. Even if you are under medical supervision, you may take a deeper plunge when faced with painful loss. In either case, be sure you check it out. The symptoms of grief and depression often overlap and are hard to separate out.

3. Check out your trauma triggers

Ask yourself how old you feel. We are all the ages we’ve ever been and can easily regress to an earlier time of life when faced with too much pain. A current loss often triggers an earlier one. If you can go back to the time or times when those earlier traumas happened, you will have a better chance of seeing your situation through a deeper and clearer lens. If the traumas triggered are disabling, seek out professional help to work them through so they do not have the power to cause destructive hibernation again in the future.

4. Be aware of rescuers who become controllers

Coming out of emotional hibernation is a state of hunger that can easily drive you to seek out another situation too soon and without discernment. It is akin to emotional virginity—and the first person you choose can either heal or harm you because of your susceptibility and inability to hold healthy boundaries. That state often attracts rescuers who, wittingly or unwittingly, take advantage and become too important too soon. They appear to be a haven that has no need for reciprocity, but that is a ruse. Ultimately, they will need justification and payback for what they have given that may not be apparent at the beginning. Be sure to check in with trusted friends before you take such a plunge.

5. Don’t over-appreciate a new love by over-giving to ensure security

You may feel so grateful that someone is interested or compassionate that you trust too much, give too much, and sacrifice your own needs just to be out of pain. That sets a precedent that you may not be able to balance or correct in the future. Instead of attracting rescuers, you are more likely to attract those who will take advantage of your willingness to accommodate and adapt to their needs instead of expressing your own. The pain inside will not subside in this kind of relationship, but is likely to come back with a vengeance if the new relationship ends badly.

6. Don’t try to connect again too soon

If at all possible, try not to get into a romantic relationship until you feel healed and more balanced. Be with friends and family you trust and even try to become part of a new social group that is doing something you’ve always wanted to do but never gotten around to. Find reasons to love your life that are not part of a romantic relationship until you are ready to present your best, healed self before you risk failing again and reinforcing a tendency to emotionally hibernate.

7. Take stock

If you can, take this time to really evaluate all of your relationships and why and when they have succeeded or failed. Pendulum swings between over-devotion and hibernating can drain your energy and keep you from living fully. Many people do seek professional help at this time to truly and authentically search for what they can give, what they need, and what is practically available.

Coming out of hibernation can be a time of honest searching and facing life in a new way so that when you do begin a search to love again, you are more likely to find a relationship that doesn’t end up in the heartbreak you have run from by closing off.

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