Couple’s Alert - Is Your Love Dying?

Six categories that define relationship dysfunction.

By the time I see couples in therapy, they are often at a breaking point. Frustration tolerance is at an all-time low, and a love that once had such hope is floundering badly. We have to get through layers of disillusionment, anger, and hurt to see if there is anything worth saving at all and if both partners want their relationship to heal.

There are six categories of attitudes and behaviors that encompass where the heartaches lie: Punishment and Derision, Toughness, Repeated Unhealed Ruptures, Dominance and Control, Mistrust, and Chronic Complaining. Though each category may not be equally significant, they interplay and affect one another.

To have any chance of making a threatened relationship regenerate, we first identify which category is causing the most trouble and start there. If we can begin to heal one, it will help us to identify which to focus on next. Wherever we start, it is very likely that unrealistic expectations are up and resources are in short supply. The atmosphere in the room is tense and discouraging.

No matter how hopeless the situation feels, they are still in my office. If they are sincere in their mutual desire to reconcile their differences and get back on the right path, it hopefully means that they still care. If we can harness whatever energy and hope is still there, we have a chance to turn it around.

Here are the six categories that can help you define where the worst part of the dysfunction lies, and where to begin rebuilding.

Don’t be hard on yourself if you recognize yourselves in the examples. Most all of us have uttered those phrases at some time in our relationship. It is the amount of time the negative behaviors have persisted and how much a part of the relationship they have become.

You cannot change what you aren’t willing to face. Once you have the courage to recognize what you’re doing to each other, you’ll have the chance to stop the negative spiral and turn things around.

1. Punishment and Derision

Partners in trouble point fingers at the other when things go wrong. They keep score, insult, invalidate, blame, wipe out, and withhold. It is as if they want the other to admit blame, to feel guilty for what they’ve done, and to feel proper remorse. They truly believe that legitimate punishment will change their partner’s behavior, even when it is highly likely the opposite will happen.

Here are some examples of what people sound like when they are into blaming:

“If only you wouldn’t treat me like that, everything would be fine.” “That’s the third time this month that you fell asleep on the couch. Why don’t you just tell me you’re avoiding me?” “You talk about yourself as if you’re some expert on everything. When’s the last time you even read a book?” “If you’d learn something about the way you come across, maybe I’d listen to you.” “Why should I be nice to you? You’re a son of a bitch to me every chance you get.” “You never do what I want! It’s always about you, isn’t it?” “Sure, I haven’t talked to you in a week. What’s the point? You always just say the same thing.”

2. Toughness

Partners who are in trouble aren’t soft anymore. Whatever vulnerability they once shared is in short supply, if there at all. They are cynical, bitter, pessimistic, rigid, defensive, undernourished, and stuck in their mutual armor. It is as if hostile remarks have become so common that both partners are inured to their impact.

3. Repeated Unhealed Ruptures

Every couple disagrees about the way they see life or the things they want out of a relationship. As the relationship matures, new conflicts are bound to emerge and successful couples have the skills to listen deeply to the other side, the openness to see things in a new way, and the desire to find common ground, use their ruptures to build new strength and a greater commitment. Too often, intimate partners either don’t know how to do that, or they are too interested in winning rather than learning. When ruptures occur and healing doesn’t follow, they create a wider chasm and lessened intimacy as the partners become adversaries more often than friends.

Here are some examples of the way people sound when they are locked into repeated, unhealed ruptures:

“You’ll never get it.” “You only want to see things from your point of view. What’s the point?” “We’re arguing all the time. Can’t we ever come to any agreements anymore?” “You’ve been mad at me for a week now. You seem to like it when we don’t talk anymore.” “You’re gloating over winning that last fight, aren’t you?” “I’m not going to even try to share what I want with you. You don’t ever listen, anyway.” “I’m never going to give in on that issue. I’m right and you know it.” “You’re always going to choose her side. Why do I even try?” “They’re never going to agree with you. Why do you keep trying?” “You’re always right, so why am I even talking to you anymore?”

4. Dominance and Control

By the time most couples have lost their ability to be a team, they are typically battling over who has the power to control whatever outcome evolves out of their current conflict. They are pushing, selling, condescending, dismissing, invalidating, and undermining each other every chance they get. Some yell until the other gives up. Others disconnect and walk away, but then do whatever they want. Many people just bully, eventually flattening their partners into submission. Sometimes one partner has established control in one area, and the other in a different one. Whatever is happening, the battle for the last word is in full swing.

Here are some examples of what people sound like when they are vying for dominance and control.

“Who told you that you could make this final decision? God?” “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times, I’m not going to back down on this issue. I know I’m right and you’re not going to push me into it, so don’t even try.” “You want to run the show? Then pay the damn bills!” “I know what I’m doing. Don’t think you can make every decision, just because you yell louder. This one is mine and I’m not giving up.” “Okay, big shot. You screwed up the last two deals and you want me to trust you this time?” “I’m not going to listen to you anymore. You don’t care, and you don’t know what you’re doing.” “If you think you’re going to get away with that, just watch me.” “I’m taking charge here, and don’t try to stop me.”

5. Mistrust

All kinds of heartbreaks, disappointments, and disillusionments can break the trust that once was sacred to new lovers, especially if they are unexpected, significant, and continue. The obvious ones are infidelities, addictions, and broken promises. But there are many others. A negative surprise can throw an otherwise balanced couple into a chasm of sadness. A once-prioritized partner who has lost that status may live in the terror of eventual exile. Relevant happenings, now withheld, herald lessened importance to the partner kept ignorant. Any act by one partner that makes the other no longer feel secure will erode the trust that once bonded them.

Here are some examples of what people say who have damaged trust:

“I know I promised I’d quit, honey, but the guys were having a great time, and I just didn’t want to feel like a wimp. I’ll do better, you’ll see.” “I swear it only happened one time. It was a stupid mistake. You’ve got to believe me.” “I know I told you I’d be home for dinner. I just can’t always control everything. Can’t you see it from my side?” “I really meant to tell you so many times, but it just never came up. Yeah, babe, it’s true. I was only 18, and I thought she’d never find me. It’s still my kid, you know. I have to do something.” “I know I told you I wouldn’t have to work this weekend, but I can’t control what my boss wants. I’m up for a big promotion, and I can’t disappoint her, not this late in the game.” “I don’t want to have to tell you every god****ed day that I love you. What’s with the insecurity number? I want a woman who can play the game. Grow up, okay?”

6. Chronic Complaining

The entire first session with a couple in trouble can be summarized in that one phrase: there no longer is an act or expression that one partner does that the other likes, supports, or enjoys. Most of the complaints have gone on way too long and have never been successful in changing behavior. Nagging, bitching, criticizing, preaching, unsolicited advice-giving, challenging, whining, jabbing; you name it. What is crystal clear is that the partner doing the complaining is continuously unhappy with the behavior of the other. The twin objectives of complaining are to vent unhappiness and to try to make the other change. The partners on the other end of complainers either stop listening at all, make promises they do not intend to keep or explode in cumulative frustration. If the complaining continues, emotionally allergic grudges emerge; continuous irritation builds a wall of withholding, and martyrdom blossoms. Whatever love once was there is buried under self-righteousness.

Here are some examples of the way people sound when they are chronic complainers:

“You never listen to me. You’ve told me for six weeks now that you’d help me paint this bedroom. You’re so full of excuses, you make me sick.” “Why the hell can’t you lose weight? Your sister is thin. Your mom is thin. What’s the problem? You know how important it is to me. How many times do I have to tell you?” “I told you not to take that suitcase. Now the handle is broken. Why don’t you ever do what I tell you to? You have to do it your own way, don’t you? Now look at this mess.” “You could do a lot better work if you’d just straighten up your desk. I’ve offered to help, but you won’t let me. You’ll never get your work done if you don’t listen to me.” “You always think you know what to do. Well, guess what? You don’t. You should learn from your mistakes, instead of just forgetting the dumb things you do.” “Three games in a row? I’m surprised you have a brain left. Who the hell cares if you get the score at the end of the day? You’re living vicariously. Why don’t you do something productive?”

These six behaviors are emotional and physical drains. As they continue, the couple will lose the resources they once had that could help them change their behavior. If they continue unabated, they won’t have enough energy and commitment left to rebuild.

To find out where you and your partner stand in these six areas, take this short quiz. Ask your partner to do the same. Then share your answers and your scores. If you can together face your situation with courage and honesty, you may be able to renew your commitment to love each other again.

Score your answer to each question, using the following legend:

Never = 1

Sometimes = 2

Often = 3

Most of the time = 4

Too much of the time = 5

1) How often are you intentionally mean to your partner? ____

2) How often do you withhold affection when you don’t get your own way? ____

3) When you’re having an argument, do you make your partner the bad guy? ____

4) Are you bitter about your relationship? ____

5) How often do you feel like you’d like to quit? ____

6) Do you feel that you need to defend yourself? ____

7) Do your disagreements keep you apart? ____

8) Are the bad times lasting longer? ____

9) Are your disagreements repeating themselves? ____

10) When there is a conflict, do you push to win at any cost? ____

11) Are you condescending to your partner? ____

12) Do you use bullying to get your way? ____

13) Do you feel unsafe with your partner? ____

14) Is your partner untrustworthy? ____

15) Do your priorities take you away from your partner? ____

16) Are you a chronic complainer? ____

17) Do you hold grudges? ____

18) Do you talk down to your partner, as if you have more status? ____

Add up your scores.

0-18 You’re relationship is working and you’re still on the same team.

19-36 You’re relationship is slipping but easily healable if you work on it.

37-54 You’re beginning to see each other more as enemies than lovers.

55-73 You need to seriously change the way you are together or the negativity between you will cause too much damage to heal.

74-90 You’re on a crash collision course. Get some professional help as soon as you can.

Ask yourself which of your answers are above a 3. They will be the areas you need to work on the most. Both of you may have different areas that are worse than others. That’s okay.

You need to listen without punishing, being tough, trying to win, creating disharmony, mistrusting, or finding fault. Ask yourself how you got there and why.

I have seen the most terrible relationships find their way home, and I’ve seen terribly discouraged people fall in love again. Unfortunately, I have also seen relationships where the partners are so beaten and discouraged that they can’t repair. If there is any way to recommit and repair your current relationship, you might find that the best decision is to learn to love each other again.

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