Are You a Fragile Partner? The Need for Shared Resiliency

Mar 7

Build shared strength by fostering resilience in your relationship.

One of the most important characteristics of successful relationship partners is the ability to bounce back from stress. Committed couples have a much greater chance of succeeding when they can both learn to bounce back more rapidly when their relationship is challenged.

Some people are just born that way. When faced with frustration or loss, they don’t go down easily, and they come back quickly. But most are not that lucky. Many relationship partners find themselves overwhelmed when crises emerge, especially if the threat triggers trauma or loss from the past.

If you are a fragile partner and consistently rely on your partner to take charge when your relationship is challenged, you are highly likely to become less resilient over time if you do not change. Your confidence in your ability to take risks, to solve problems, and to be able to take charge when your partner cannot, will dwindle.

Those ever-increasing avoidant responses will negatively affect your partner over time. They will feel the burden of both fighting the threat alone and needing to comfort you at the same time. Without your support as part of the team, your partner may begin to feel resentful and pull away from you or seek support and comfort outside the relationship.

That direction is a no-win situation for both of you, but you can change it. Even if you have lived a lifetime of fear and avoidance of threatening situations, you can learn resilience if your partner is willing to work with you. The path forward is different for each of you, but you can become a better team over time.

Caveat: Before beginning the path of healing an imbalanced fragile/resilient partnership, both partners must ask themselves if the way they operate under stress happens in their relationship, but does not in other areas of their lives. Fragility can be a learned response to avoid responsibility. Taking charge without needing a partner’s help can be a way of maintaining control and ownership of relationship decisions.

If this imbalance is only happening within your intimate relationship, you may both have an unconscious need to keep the relationship exactly the way it is. If that is a possibility, your attempts to change the relationship may not work.

The Path of the Fragile Partner

Step 1: Rigorously examine why you are the way you are.

You may be one of those highly sensitive people who cannot bear disruption or set clear boundaries. You may have been harmed by others in the past when you’ve tried to take charge or lack the confidence to take charge of a situation that feels out of control. Perhaps others may have violated your boundaries and there was no one to rescue you. You might just feel the most comfortable in a supportive role and are desperately uncomfortable when asked to lead. Or, you may have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder that flares into panic when you are overwhelmed.

It is crucial that you learn the difference between your core self and the experiences that have formed your fragility. Both must be understood and brought into the light to be examined and open to change. Self-acceptance is key here, but not as an excuse to stay the way you are.

Step 2: Begin with small changes.

Take charge of some of the things that are doable for you even if your partner can do them better and more easily. Break down the tasks that you and your partner must accomplish to face your challenges and willingly take as much of those off the list as you can. Don’t expect to do well, only to develop the courage and willingness to try.

Step 3: Look for your strengths.

There have likely been times in your life when you have had to fight on your own and did. Ask yourself what you drew upon in yourself that made you able to do that and practice those skills when you don’t need them.

The Path of the Resilient Partner

Step 1: Rigorously examine why you are the way you are.

Have you always been leaned on by others, even as a child? Were you just one of those people who have always been able to face challenges with courage, rational thought, and focus, even if you are scared or insecure inside? Do people depend on you to handle crises everywhere in your life? Is there anyone or any environment where you can let go of being hypervigilant? Are you scared of being dependent on others? Do you feel that the control you have over a situation is worth not being part of a team? What part of being the resilient partner would you not want to give up, and what part do you feel resentful about? When your partner has offered to help, have you accepted that help or turned it down?

Step 2: Help your partner help you.

When a crisis unfolds, ask your partner to help you with whatever they can do, even if it would not be as competent as you could do it. Don’t assume that you have to do everything yourself without sharing your load and showing your vulnerability and fears. Pay attention to where your partner is competent and where they show strengths and capitalize on those when you need them. Accept nurturing when the crisis is over if your partner can give that to you, rather than pull in and reject that help because you are resentful.

Step 3: Let go of ego.

Let go of feeling that you are the only one who can get the job done. You may have to accept that things will not always work out the way you want them to or need them to, but you may be weakening those around you because you have deemed them not as worthy or competent as you are.

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