Nov 21

When Words Fail: Transform Negative Communication Patterns

Learn to break toxic cycles and rebuild meaningful communication without words.

There are reasons why poetry moves us. Masters of the written word convey feelings and emotions using only a few words, managing to deeply connect souls.

What is most remarkable about this way of communicating is that they are able to connect without adding facial expressions, voice intonations, physical posturing, mutual rhythms, or touch — the non-verbal cornerstones of effective connection.

Most communication techniques rely on using words more effectively. They teach us how to clarify terms, listen more deeply, ask more questions, eliminate assumptions, quiet down defensiveness, share feelings, etc. Even when they include paying attention to delivery and reception, they still rely on using words.

In my four plus decades of helping couples to communicate more effectively, I have had to repeatedly untangle and translate hundreds of words as people continue to misunderstand one another using the same words over and over.

After observing a couple interacting just a few times, I’m often able to repeat back sequences between them almost verbatim. The words have been used so many times before in exactly the same way that they don’t mean anything anymore. Neither partner is actually listening. There are no resolutions. They have come to use words only as a way to out-talk, out-sway, out-maneuver, or convince the other that their reality is the only truth.

When couples continually throw words at each other in this way, it may be time to find a different way to share thoughts and feelings, at least as an alternative way of connecting when things are not going well. Perhaps, communicating without dependency on words could create poetry between intimate partners.

One of my most memorable experiences was in a workshop where I was paired with a person I had never met. We were instructed to look into each other’s eyes for five minutes without exchanging any words at all. We were then asked to tell everything we “knew” about that person from simply being silent and listening to another in silence, leaving out what was obvious. The results were nothing short of remarkable. So much we shared was truer than anything we could have communicated verbally, and remarkably accurate.

Should couples adopt that kind of non-verbal, yet deeply connected silence before they try to resolve a disagreement? Or, perhaps, when they are beginning to ramp up talking at each other?

Yes.

But, getting a couple to be silent when they have separate and urgent agendas is not easy. Even when I point out that they have begun focusing on their own agenda rather than recognizing that there is more than one legitimate reality, they seem afraid they will be canceled out if they do not get their point across, even if it is at the expense of the other.

Interestingly, most every couple I’ve known remembers when they were attuned to each other at the beginning of their relationship. They can share with me the times they spent intertwined and quiet when they were not sharing histories and dreams. They did feel each other’s presence and lingered in timeless moments they didn’t want to end. They did write poetry to each other or shared the lyrics of songs that did it for them. They heard each other’s hearts and touched each other’s souls. And, they didn’t use texting as a substitute.

To rediscover the magic of connection, couples must first reclaim their old ways of bonding before they can trust words again.

Silent Communication – The Way Back

1. Recognize and Stop Negative Repetitive Disagreements

When I am able to show couples their useless and often damaging repetitive interactions, they are often surprised, as if they did not recognize how repetitive and useless those re-hashings had become.

As we begin the process of unpacking a long-standing issue, it is obvious to me as an outside witness when they go from opening it up to hyping it up. Their body language changes. They constantly interrupt. They begin seeing the other as someone to defeat. They ignore the other’s demeanor. The trajectory is obvious but they can no longer see or stop it.

It is crucial for a couple to recognize the moment that their words don’t matter anymore.

2. Divert and Deflect

Knowing that they can drown in useless verbal interactions, couples can plan their agreed-upon alternative wordless exercise and hold each other to it before they continue resolution attempts.

There are many ways they can do that but it must be a mutual decision.

For instance, they can face each other, holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes, then go inward to remember what they do love about each other and how painful it would be to not have those hands to hold any more. It can be only minutes, but both must agree with a nod that they have done that inner work.

They can try playing a favorite song and listening to it together, remembering the words and how they still apply.

They can sit back-to-back and breathe together, essentially remembering what it is like to have each other’s back.

They can do this every time they begin to erase each other again in the interaction.

3. Use Writing to Bridge Communication Gaps

Couples can also try to temporarily disconnect, write down their answers to the questions below, then return to each other to exchange and read each other’s written communications silently before attempting to resolve their differences again.

If I could have this disagreement end in any way I would want it to, what would it be?
What do I believe your answer would be to this question?
What do I truly want from you that I’m not getting?
What do I think you need from me?
Is this repeated disagreement the tip of an iceberg I haven’t been able to share?
What am I hiding from you and why?
How can I be better at welcoming your thoughts and feelings even if I see things differently?
How do I wish you and I were different?