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Communication "Bank-Shots"

  • randiguntherphd
  • Jun 7
  • 5 min read

Using Someone Else to Get Your Point Across

Ideally, intimate partners should be able to communicate whatever they need in a direct, open, and authentic way. Too often, though, couples shy away from straight talk for fear of creating conflict or not getting what they want. To avoid unwanted interactions, they search for an alternative strategy. The one most often used is something I call communication “bank-shots.” Partners use these indirect manipulations to strengthen the legitimacy of their requests when they feel they won’t get what they want without using them.👉 The Use of Manipulation in Relationships


There are several different varieties of “bank-shots” but all have the same goal, to manipulate the other partner into doing something he or she might not otherwise be willing to do.


Some ­­Examples of Typical “Bank-Shots”


Using acquaintances that both people know

“Joe treats his wife so wonderfully. You always tell me what a great guy he is. Maybe he could tell you where he learned how to make a woman feel treasured like that.”

“Your friends are all still working, sweetheart, and they find time to work out. How come you’ve given that up? I think it’s great that they find time to keep in shape for their husbands, don’t you.”

“That guy down the street is having great luck with his new lawn. He has to know something we don’t.”

“You know, our neighbor next door has four kids, too, but her husband tells me they still have great sex a couple of times a week. Maybe you could talk to her and find out how she manages that.”


Using children as the messengers

Dad: Jason needs to have consequences when he breaks promises. He can’t just pretend he’s going to do something and then arbitrarily choose another priority and make up some kind of excuse. You fall for it every time and he gets away with murder. He has to learn that he can’t act like he didn’t hear you. It’s like you’re being erased. Why can’t you see that?”👉 10 Behaviors That Can Push People Away


Mom: “He doesn’t mean to disappoint me. He wants to do what’s right but he can’t always predict everything that’s going to happen in his life. He’s really a good kid, and I think you’re being too hard on him.”

Dad: “He’ll grow up to be the guy who doesn’t show up for soccer practice because he ‘forgot’ when he just wanted to do what he wanted to do and figured he’ll make up some good reason that the coach will buy.”

Mom: “He doesn’t do it all the time. Mostly he keeps his word. Why are you only focusing on the times he doesn’t?”

These two people are actually talking to each other through their son, and both of their “bank-shots” are backfiring.


Using the “Everyone agrees that…” strategy

“Everyone I’ve talked to says that really exciting vacations are important to relationships even if you have to spend more. You know how happy George and Elizabeth are, and they’ve tried taking the cheaper route and the memories are just not the same.”

“All the women I’ve asked agree that men don’t give their wives enough time and attention before they want sex.”

“My buddies at the gym all go out for a beer after they work out. They keep asking me why I need to get home right away. I tried to defend it, but it didn’t go over very well. They probably just think I’m a wimp.”👉 Rigid Gender Roles: Enemies of the New Intimacy

“It says right here in your favorite golf magazine, that husbands shouldn’t let their passion for the sport eclipse their loyalty to their families.”

“It’s pretty obvious from what I’ve been reading that most people agree that women who work full time don’t get enough appreciation from their husbands.”

The husband who thought that providing for his wife was enough: “My mom told me to help you more around the house. She never asked my dad to do anything. Why the hell is she interfering with us? You’re fine with what I do for you, aren’t you, honey?”


Replacing “Bank-shots” with Better Communication Techniques

If you are the recipient of communication “bank-shots” or are guilty of throwing a few of your own, you can experience more available and rewarding outcomes when you and your partner learn to ask for what you want directly. It requires a balance of authenticity and compassion to be effective but that alchemy can be achieved.👉 A Deeply Meaningful Way to Communicate with Your Partner


Caveat: Some people prefer indirect communication because they can avoid the potential conflicts that direct challenges can create. Partners who choose that option may sabotage any attempt at straightforward communication.

There are many techniques to help intimate partners take the risks of authentic and direct communication. Using the following examples will be a good start, but each couple needs to find their own, most successful way.


Speaking the Conflict out Loud👉 Coming Home When Old Loves Rekindle

Paying Attention to Process over Content – The Two Levels of Communication👉 Can Texting Sabotage Emotional Intimacy?


Sticking to the Subject at Hand👉 14 Secrets to a Great Relationship



Need support navigating communication challenges in your relationship? Find help through professional guidance in your area:👉 Marriage and Couples Counseling – Playa del Rey👉 Rolling Hills👉 Manhattan Beach👉 Hermosa Beach👉 Redondo Beach


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Choose Dr. Randi Gunther a Clinical Psychologist & Marriage Counselor who truly understands the complexities of human connection.


Reach out to Dr. Randi today and take the first step toward a brighter, more fulfilling future together.


Dr. Gunther is available by Zoom or Facetime

310-971-0228


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