Sexiness is not defined by sexual desirability alone.
Most people define sexy people as “hot,” “titillating,” “seductive,” and highly focused on sexual desirability and conquest. The media underscores these thoughts, sexualizing those who behave in provocative, exciting, and tantalizing behaviors.
But there are some people who, even devoid of those traditional attributes, are still considered very sexy by the people who have been, or currently are, in relationships with them. These truly sexy people are not necessarily physically attractive, nor young, nor even seductive. Yet, are able to consistently attract desirable partners throughout their lifetimes.
Observing these interesting people over my four-decade career, I now can easily recognize the characteristics that these sexy people share in common. Inborn or learned, they consistently signal magnetic sexiness at every stage of life. Those who manifest these attributes seem able to attract compatible and quality partners even though they rarely exhibit what would normally be seen as sexually successful characteristics. I would ask that you explore the following 10 behaviors to see if they are part of what actually attracts you to someone.
1. They Know How to “Invite” and “Let Go”
Sexy people have an innate sense of interpersonal rhythm. They can play at being both desirable and desiring but are able to easily disconnect when mutual attraction diminishes. And they do that without any apparent distress or the need to “hang on.”
They are at once fully present and available while also being able to easily walk away, making them both compelling and unattached at the same time. Inviting but not needy, playing in their own rhythm but open to a mutual dance if it happens, they are at once available and mysterious.
The potential partner of this kind of sexy behavior can choose to participate or not as the situation evolves. With that kind of freedom of choice, their potential partners can let their desire build in intensity without any pressure to respond.
2. They Are Not Attached to Outcome
Sexy people invest time and energy in seeking exciting and magical connections, but they allow things to evolve in their own timeless way, and only when both people are equally open to it. They do not strive for connections that are not mutually sought by their potential partners.
The outcome, therefore, is determined by the process, itself, and not plotted out ahead of time. The desired partner of a sexy person never feels coerced or manipulated into a situation he or she did not seek or realize was a manipulated process.
People who are not attached to pre-set goals offer their partners uncontrolled time and energy to explore possibilities. They know that successful relationships are organic and transform as each moment manifests.
3. They Are Just a Little “Out of Reach”
Sexy people are just a little hard to attract. And they’re not behaving that way because they are manipulating the situation or playing games. They know that when a partner willingly comes to them when he or she is ready, they never risk violating boundaries or taking advantage of neediness.
Because they aren’t in a hurry or have a plan in mind, they allow their partners the time they need to observe and trust for as long as they need to. From their created distance, they are still very much interested and alive, but never need to be in control of when or if a connection will happen.
Out-of-reach people are inherently more alluring to most people because they never make potential partners feel the danger of entrapment.
4. They Are Mischievous
Sexy people are playful. They are having fun with the possibilities of connection but enjoy the process rather than needing to complete it. They are enjoying dancing alone until they have a partner, already having a great time whether the other person chooses to participate or not.
Their love of whimsey, fantasy, and magic make them willing to immerse themselves in a “whatever happens—I’m having fun” offering that lets another make his or her own decision whether to join in the game or not.
Sexiness, mischief, and playfulness are inherently intertwined.
5. They Are Physically and Emotionally Alive
Sexy people are physically as healthy and fit as they are able to be. They live in their bodies, holding them sacred and treating them with care. They are in touch with what energizes or depletes them, and they are devoted to keeping that balance.
They love to move, to experience, to seek, and to explore. The world is an enticing place to them, and that attitude spills over to the people they meet. Everything and everyone are openings to expand and to grow. They invite potential partners to feast in life’s abundance, whatever is available each moment.
6. They Are “Safe” Hunters
Sexy people, even when playing the waiting role, are not passive. They know that people are the most alive when they are the initiators of connection but that their “prey” must never feel fear of being hunted down. They are able to make others feel pursued, but free to escape at the same time.
Sexual excitement is always most prevalent in the hunter rather than the hunted, except when the hunted is just as excited by the interactive chase-and-capture game. They know they have the opportunity to be caught or to get away. They also can reverse roles at any time, making the process more alluring to both.
Great sexual connections always have this pattern. It is human nature to experiment with the interplay and exchange of control or being controlled, and an inherent part of quality sexual connection.
7. They Are Content Within Themselves
Sexy people are inherently okay whether they are connected or alone. They value and enjoy mutual connection but do not need it to feel satisfied. They don’t keep score, need to win, or to possess another, because they are already complete whether in a relationship or not.
Because of their state of mind, they are easy to connect with but don’t need anything in return. At the same time, they are not available to just anyone and make their own price clear upfront.
Contented people can negotiate, but they don’t need to conquer.
8. They “Get” the Other
Sexy people know what their partners want and need. Even they don’t feel automatically obligated to provide whatever is asked of them, they still track their partners emotionally, sexually, and mentally, knowing at any time what they want and what to expect.
Because they accurately are able to “live” in their partners’ reality, they know what to do to make them feel comfortable, wanted, and respected. They know what emotional and physical expressions to use that have the desired effect of making their partners feel seen.
Sexy people know that their partners appreciate and respond to feeling known and valuable and they work hard at being accurately intuitive to their needs and wants.
9. They Can’t Be “Bought”
Sexy people cannot be coerced, bought, controlled, or manipulated. They take pride in their ability to choose when, where, and with whom, they want to connect, and that self-knowledge is what gives them their confident presentation.
As a result, the partners who want to be with them get it that needing them, pursuing them, seducing them, tempting them, testing them, or making demands just won’t work. Sexy people own themselves, yet are ready to passionately connect if the desire is mutual.
Non-buyable means non-exploitable and non-blackmailable.
10. They Can’t Be Trapped
Sexy people know how to be all there without implying that future commitment is automatic. They know that their more permanent feelings grow at their own rate and they will not push themselves into feeling what they do not.
They do not pretend to be more available than they are, but are fully present in their current interactions, not fearful that their behavior implies something it does not promise.
They know and accept that life only exists in the moment in which their experiences are happening. All else is just memory and possibility. They fully embrace the belief that living in the moment is a requirement of what makes them sexy people.
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